Why Now?
by tokyo126
Summary: Steve and Natasha find themselves in an awkward conversation which leads to opening old wounds and promising words. It's my first Fanfic in a really long time, hope you enjoy please RR :) Raw story, not edited much, rated T for language


"So you on clean up duty once again, Romanoff", Natasha's ears perked at the sound of a familiar voice. She couldn't help the small smirk creeping upon her lips as she turned her attention towards him.

"Looks like it, I'm used to it anyways you know always cleaning up after you boys' messes" she retorted playfully, dropping hints towards their time in Sokovia. Steve picked up on the reference releasing a light chuckle in remembrance.

"I actually remember that time, and thanks to Stark and his party today so does everyone else" Steve began to gather the stray cups of forgotten drinks left askew for someone else to pick up. For the first few minutes they left each other in silence, buying each other time to make the next move by busying themselves with cleaning.

Steve was the brave soul to speak up, "Damn Clint and Tony always drinking more then they should have, leaving the place a mess, you know for being the family men they are they leave as much mess as their kids probably even more."

"Oh much more" Natasha said matter a factly. "Laura and Pepper have told me stories comparing their kids' mess to their husbands' own"

"Speaking of husbands how's you and Bucky…tonight was the first time we've conversed since you guys got together…did I do something wrong" It was very noticeable in Steve's voice that he seemed hurt or hesitant about addressing her relationship with Bucky. Natasha put down the trash bag and took a seat on the couch, which Steve took as a signal to sit as well. His face molded into an expression of concern quickly. But before he could ask her if she was ok she answered for him, "Bucky and I aren't together anymore…we haven't been for the last 8 months"

Steve's eyes widened in surprise," What?! What happened I thought you guys were happy and in love together."

"We were at one point, maybe…but not anymore"

"So why did you come to the party together?" Natasha looked in the distance while chewing a bit on her lip as if she was deciding on something. " No particular reason actually, we both live in the same area near each other so we figured we'd go together." He nodded slowly taking in the new information.

"Why did you end things to quickly, its only been a little over a year since you guys got together."

"Steve sometimes relationships fizzle out as fast as they ignite… I wanted different things and so did he and the sex wasn't enough to keep things together anymore so… that's it in a nutshell", it was clear to him that the subject was becoming uncomfortable to talk about anymore but he had one more question that he couldn't shake but unfortunately Natasha beat him to the punch and changed the topic.

"So what about you and Sharon, I didn't see her with you tonight, is she on a mission?"

Steve's body language shifted from awkward curiosity to completely uncomfortable, he let out a nervous laugh as he spoke, "Well I think she should still be in Bahrain…"

"That's good what's her mission about?"

"I don't particularly think she's on a mission…"

"Vacation?"

"You can say that…"

"That's kind of rude to leave your boyfriend behind, why didn't you guys go together?"

Steve was red in the face with growing frustration and sadness, "…because she's there with someone else…"

Natasha immediately caught on to his cues and body language to know what he meant by 'someone else'. She got up abruptly and headed towards the fridge in the kitchen area. "If we're are gonna have the conversation I think we're having, beer is very much needed." Steve silently agreed and took the beer with somber gratitude. After a few sips from each of them, they both calmed down. She looked at him for a moment and then sat back into the couch and just exclaimed, "Fuck her Steve, just fuck her"

Her announcement made him choke mid-sip of his beer causing a coughing fit of sorts. His face immediately reddened with embarrassment, "Nat that's a private matter which I don't think you want to know at all about"

"What?! ahaha No steve I meant forget her, she just screwed over the greatest relationship she could have ever asked for, hell she doesn't deserve you, why would someone cheat on Captain America or god's sake that should be against the law."

"Okay now you're being dramatic Nat…but thank you for the sentiment." Steve's head hung low, "Looks like neither of us has had any luck in the love department let alone maintaining a normal life for once."

"I'm actually quite content with my life up till this point in time in all honesty."

Steve quirked an eye brow in her direction, "You're awfully honest tonight Nat"

"Is that a bad thing?" her tone laced with a hint of sarcasm.

"No, it's just different…in a good way of course." He fumbled for words to try to save face, he didn't mean for it to sound offensive. Natasha laughed before taking another swig of her beer polishing it off. For some odd reason she always felt compelled to tell Steve the truth after so many years of partnership together, he really did rub off on her.

"Well after so many years of telling lies, it's nice to shake things up once in awhile with a dash of truth here and there, it keeps things lively"

"Honesty is the best policy in my book but sometimes you have to bend the truth a little to save others the heartache." He was a bit careful with his words.

"Is the great Captain America telling me that lies are ok, now I have seen everything which means the apocalypse is bound to happen any minute."

"Haha very funny I could say the same for you, he who works behind the shadows but seriously the man behind the mask has told his fair share of lies even if it's hard to believe."

"Bullshit Steve I don't believe you, you've probably only told like little white lies you tell kids in order for them to stop picking their nose or peeing in the pool."

"You don't know what I do or say Romanoff", he said with a bit of sass.

"Then tell me Steven what has been the biggest and most sever lie you have ever told, and don't tell me you can't remember because that serum in your system gives you boosted brain power."

Steve took a moment to think but within that time span something hit him hard in the chest. It was not a physical blow made by someone else but his own heart started to physically ache at the thought of his most treacherous lie. He sat and filtered through his thoughts pushing aside the momentary lag.

She looked at him pensively, "Come on Steve I don't have all night"

"Ok, ok don't rush me it takes a while for this old brain of mine to think", he chuckled.

She scoffed, "old man" slyly under her breathe with a smirk.

He bent forward a bit so his elbows would rest on his knees; "So I thought of a more creative way to go about this little bout we are about to engage in" she motioned him to continue in agreement.

"Believe it or not Captain America still retains some scars, they're not big or flashy more like small and feint, like a little reminder of the times in battle each one has its own story and most were caused because I lied." His words were smooth and honest as always. Steve proceeded to lift shirt off up and over his head.

"Rogers if I knew I was going to get a show tonight I wouldn't have cashed in all my ones…" her words trailed off as her eyes scanned his body carefully. Natasha's interest peaked even more, she was always under the impression that Steve doesn't scar because of the extra healing factor from the serum but even science can't fix everything. His face was flushed a bit but he pushed on as he stood in front of her.

"I am going to show you three marks that are particularly interesting and you have to guess the common factor between all three"

"So this is a game?" he half shrugged, "not really it's more like show and tell"

"Am I suppose to reciprocate or can I just sit back and watch the magic unfold before my eyes", she inquired.

"It's up to you on how you want to take your newly found information"

She didn't look away from him as she polished off her second beer. "Curtains are up Mr. Rogers" he smiled more towards himself then her at that moment. He turned around and brought his arm up to the middle of his back pointing to a faint scar no longer then three inches long.

"This was the result of my first lie during the war, I couldn't let the men of my country stay captive…not when I had the power to save them. I tried to convince Col. Philips to let me go and ditch the show for the USO but he wouldn't let me because it wasn't my place. Luckily for me Peggy was there and got me into contact with Tony's dad who at the time had a plane, this part was never in the history books mind you…so I lied to col. Philips telling him that the USO show was at a different camp for our next stop thankfully he was too busy to bat an eye my way, we packed up and I ditched the show to meet up with Peggy and Howard, at the base I infiltrated one of the guards' bullet grazed my uniform from the back"

"What did Col. Philips do to you afterwards?"

"Nothing major he was more happy that I got back our soldiers" Steve said triumphantly. She waited patiently as he told her his next tale. This time the scar was on his abdomen just above his navel, it was round in form she presumed it was a bullet wound.

"This one is a more recent one I believe it was one of the first since I was thawed it was actually during the battle of New York. I was fighting along with Thor in the heat of the battle I got shot pretty badly in the abdomen by one of those Chitari guys, Thor asked me if I was ok and I lied to him I was in a hell of a lot of pain but I kept fighting on, couldn't stop…wouldn't stop, even had enough strength to toss you in the air" he touched the scar fondly.

"Steve that's not a good lie we all were battered and bruised that day"

"Well excuse me for liking my own war stories"

"And how many times have you told this story to", she raised her eyebrow in suspicion.

"…just you" it was quiet enough to meld into his words for his last story. He held up his right hand revealing a light marking that began from the valley between his middle finger and ring finger stretching all the way towards the middle of his palm. Natasha knew this scar very well actually it was the day he saved her life from certain death yet again. Her hands automatically went for his, ghosting over the lightly raised ridge of the fading scar. The incident wasn't too long ago, about a year or so.

"It was our mission in Tibet standard intel retrieval and destroy but like always trouble seems to find its way into our lives…you saved me that day I don't think that counts as a lie Steve" her fingers never left his hand as her words trailed off. "Nat this isn't the right scar you're thinking of, that one is on the other hand, this one is the result of what happened afterwards"

Natasha looked up at him quizzically, "Steve what in the world did you do to get both your hands split in half"

"After that mission there were still stragglers that survived and one of them was the man that tried to attack you, I went and took care of them that was also the same day when I left you and Clint to deal with the follow up paperwork" his smirk was quickly wiped off his face as a pillow went flying at him .

"You jerk that shit took me hours to complete and you just weaseled yourself out of it to play hero"

"It's my job Nat"

"Yea and its my job to keep you straight you ass, no more lying to get out of work, Tony and Clint do that enough as it is" she huffed out. "Is that all for your show and tell" Steve took a moment to himself weighing his options he was presented with. Ultimately leading him to follow his instincts and see where it leads him to, hopefully a fruitful bounty. Once his mind was made up he proceeded to put back on his shirt and sat directly in front of Natasha, leaving only a foot or two between them.

"For my last act of the night I need to give a warning beforehand"

"I've had my fair share of scars, there isn't anything I'm not prepared for Rogers"

"You've been warned Natalia…" she caught him saying her name but brushed it aside. "My last scar lies upon my heart" he placed his hand upon his chest.

"This is the only scar that won't heal, too many regrets, lies, and emotions…sometimes I find myself thinking that love might just be for children"

Natasha's eyes softened waiting for his words to continue. His head sank lower and he shook his head as he let out a shaky laugh, "The one time I should've been honest I couldn't because…"

"What is it Steve? Because of what?"

"Because Natasha it…it" his words started to stutter out.

"because it meant your…happiness…and I couldn't get in the way of that" there he said it, the words that he has kept pent inside since day one. All he can do now is wait for her answer. "The night I saw you and Bruce together I made my decision and I lied to myself and I told him to go after you…and I did the same with Bucky, I told them to go after to you, to make you happy because you deserved to be happy and I knew it wasn't my place…not with how much of a broken selfish man I am" he paused and took a breathe, he turned slightly upwards to see her.

"Now you're being unfair…Why didn't you tell me, why now?" her voice was small.

"I don't know honestly, maybe it's because I'm just tired…tired of fooling myself, pretending and wanting to make things work out without you in my life…but clearly I have failed wonderfully"

Natasha was a bit peeved at this point, "Of all the moments to tell someone you loved them for so long you chose now Steven, what a great sense of timing you have…but I can't say I am against it…" he looked up at her a bit hopeful but quickly recoiled when he saw her scowl.

"I know and I'm sorry Nat for putting you in this situation it's just that I've been holding it in for so long and when you told me about Bucky and you were no more I thought I would give it shot or at least be honest with you. I am deeply sorry it's not right for me to suddenly put this on you after such an ordeal not too long ago…" Steve was grabbing for words to make up for his actions trying to convey his sincerity but it only left him speechless at the end of it. Natasha on the other hand sat there with her eyes closed, she was pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Steve, what am I going to do with you, I'm always finding you in a mess of sorts…"

"I'm a fixer upper that's for sure…so where does this leave us"

"Honestly I don't know I can't give you a straight sure fire answer because I'm not all too sure what I feel for you half the time Steve" she sighed heavily. "Sometimes I just want to beat the shit out of you, right in your perfect teeth" he winced at her comment but then she did something unexpected, she grabbed his scarred right hand. Her fingers ghosted over the scar while she began to talk.

"You know during that Tibet mission when I saw your hand like this all of my concern went to you, I remember the feeling of anger because you were being a dumbass for getting your hand chopped up also the fact that it was because of me"

"I tend to forget that you are more then capable of taking care of yourself, I'm sorry Nat"

"When you were in the recovery room I snuck in and the entire time I just watched you for a good 3 hours before you started to wake up, during that whole time I kept thinking to myself what would it be like if I did lose you this time…I think that was the first time in a long time that I feared of losing someone again" She looked up at him.

"Steve you know that you've become a very important person to me over the years together and you're not going to believe it but I have this phenomenon called dreams too" Steve rolled his eyes at her timing for jokes as she continued. "Y'know in one or two of those dreams I saw myself in a quaint house as a career woman…a mother…to two beautiful children a boy and a girl…and then a man walks into the scene and he had the biggest smile and the most sincere blue eyes resembling his son in my arms" they were both quite for a second, waiting with baited breathe for her next words.

"That man was you Steve…I've dreamt of having a domestic life with you for so long but they're just that…dreams and this is our reality" Natasha got up from her seat to move to the window for some space. As soon as she got up Steve snapped out of his trance and immediately followed after her, he was riled with questions but didn't know where to start.

"Now you're the one with bad timing Nat"

"Hey you were the one giving me a free peep show along with your sappy ass war stories making me follow this ridiculous game in the first place Steven" she was fuming at him and he retracted a bit ashamed for his actions thus far, he wasn't being fair to Natasha he was being selfish for taking advantage of the vulnerable situation she was in.

"Look Nat, let's just forget that this conversation ever happened I know that it's not fair to you for me putting you on the spot like this, I should've been more selective in my timing to address this..."

"You think" she said gruffly, "Maybe over some coffee or drinks would have been a better setting then cleaning up after a drunk fest"

"I know and I'm sorry Natasha, I really am…I'll clean up the rest of this mess you should probably start heading home soon anyways its getting pretty late and I know the drive to your place is a bit far" Steve retreated completely and utterly ashamed and defeated at any chance to ever being with the one he's yearned for. Natasha on the other hand watched him turn and pick up the previously abandoned trash bag and returned to picking up leftover solo cups and empty bottles. A part of her wanted him to suffer and wallow in pain for what he's said to her tonight but there was the little part of her that played with the idea of finally achieving a little happiness for once. After a minute or so of her mentally weighing the odds if she should stay or go she finally decided that it was best to leave and fight again another day.

"Ok Steve, I'll let you wallow on your own" he winced at her words but he knew he deserved it. Steve followed her to the main entrance to walk her out the building but kept his distance from behind her. When they finally arrived at the door she turned to him before pressing the button surprising him with a little poke to the chest.

"I expect a full explanation on a proper date next time I see you Steve" Natasha quirked the corners of her lips as she watched his eyes light up and his body shake from her words. But it was too late for him to say anything because by the time he opened his mouth she was already exiting the doors and walking to the street curb where she parked her car, she left him dumfounded as ever. He decided against the idea of running after her, he'll have his chance again soon enough he just has to work on his timing a bit more.


End file.
